Orville Highpockets Jarrett found himself standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven. 

Saint Peter stared uneasily at him through the golden bars and was just about ready to press the "Enter" button to let him in, when it hit him! "What the hell is that smell?" Saint Peter cried out. Then he quickly pressed the "Reject" button which sent poor Orville straight to the pits of hell.

The Lord of Flies was making his rounds when he stumbled upon the dejected war hero from Loose Screws, West Virginia. He took a good whiff and then bellowed out: "Oh, hell, no! You're not coming down here and funk-up my crib!" Old Beezelbub went straight to his hot line (the Red Phone) and dialed 1-800-GOD. After an hour of bickering back and forth, the rulers of Good and Evil agreed that Old Orville still had plenty of life left on Earth. And they sent him back to, of all places, Bollywood, India!

Orville had finally made the Big Time at last. He was given a small part on CW's Supernatural television show, which had recently moved its operations from Hollywood to Bollywood to save on the costs of production. The episode he was to star in was titled: "The Man Who Would be King of Loose Screws, West Virginia."  But, after working several days with Orville on the set, the Winchester brothers, Sam and Dean, went to the show's creator, the great Eric Kripe, and asked him to please change the title of this episode to: "The Man Who Smelled So Funky that He Was Thrown Out of Heaven and Hell." Mr. Kripe granted them their wish. 

And the story of Orville Highpockets Jarrett will live on for another day.

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A Note from the Author: I would like to take this time to dedicate this little story to all of my homies named Orville. I've come to believe that there's a little Orville in all of us. Haven't you ever been riding down the highway with the windows open on a hot summer's dog-day afternoon, and you catch a whiff of something that gives you the urge to check your underarm deodorant? And you say: "What the hell is that smell?"

The End

Another Orville story will appear soon. Thanks for dropping by!

The Feds Come to the Rescue:

Orville was housed at Red Onion State Prison and this is where I met him, as he and I would share a cell. His strong B.O. would be his own personal salvation. For when we went outside for recreation, the northeasterly winds would carry this smell all the way to the footsteps of Washington, D.C., more than four hundred miles away. The U.S. Secretary of Defense got a good whiff of Orville’s strong odor one evening on his way to Happy Hour. He had his driver follow the horrible smell all the way down to Wise County, Virginia, where he found the source of it inside of Red Onion State Prison.

Orville Highpockets Jarrett was immediately pardoned from prison and put on a special Air Force plane to Kabul, Afghanistan, where he would become America’s number one weapon against Al-Qaeda and the Taliban. He was given an AK-47 rifle, but with no bullets. Unbeknownst to him, his main weapon against the enemy was his body odor! He felt a strong sense of pride and patriotism when he would be sent out all alone into the hills of Afghanistan and round up the terrorists as they surrendered to the awful smell.

 

The terrorists were slowly dwindling, but some die hards held fast. Until their sheep and cattle came out of the hills with front legs held high in the air, crying out: "Baa Baa" and "Moo Moo." Which translated means: "We Surrender!" Followed by: "What the hell is that smell?"

Finally, the die hards all were gone, and America's war with terrorism was over! And Orville Highpockets Jarrett became an instant hero and  household name overnight.

Orville was sought after by the media, and he did interviews on shows with Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and many others before finally returning home to Loose Screws, West Virginia. There was a ticker-tape parade, where all eleven residents honored him and carried signs saying "Orville For President" and "Orville for Mayor." It felt good to be home again, as he strutted his Body Odor stuff down the dirt main street of town, barefoot, shirtless, and with his suspenders pulled up all the way to under his arm pits. After a long day and night of celebrations and drinking white-lightning from a jug, Orville stopped by the Donald's restaurant and ordered the 20--piece chicken nuggets dinner. He was given a free room at the Dewdrop Inn Motel, right next door to Donald's. He was very tired, and he went to use the bathroom before he retired for the night. Unfortunately, he stepped on - of all things - a bar of Irish Spring soap, causing his feet to fly up from beneath him. He hit the back of his head on the white porcelain bath tub, crushing his skull and killing him instantly.

not finished yet . . .